Journal extract from Thursday 4 June 2009……
Sitting in Belfast City Airport waiting for a plane to take me to the Hill That Breathes in Italy. What an adventure! I have such a BIG feeling about what this week’s retreat will bring. I am open to positive adventures, new, wonderful relationships and an amazing lover……Bring it on!”
When I read back over my words it is almost as if a part of me new that a few hours later, on top of a hill in Italy, I would be introduced to my new best pal, my lover, my soul mate, my fellow adventurer and life partner.
Today, 4 June 2018, we are celebrating the 3287 days that we have been in each other’s lives and it feels right for me to reflect on the incredible journey which we have been on together since this photo was taken 9 years ago. My love for Eoin Scolard continues to deepen day after day and I simply cannot imagine what my life would be like today without his presence over that period of time.
The greatest gift you can give another human being is your presence.
Eoin’s depth of presence used to scare my ego quite a bit! Eoin is a ‘sensitive’ in the true meaning of the word so he misses nothing. He can sense whether my heart is open or closed, whether I am struggling with something emotionally and how I am feeling energetically. He doesn’t need to ask me. He FEELS it. Anyone who has worked with him as a Soul Coach knows just how tuned in he is. There is nowhere to hide and he can see straight through my defence mechanisms and my deflections of his love.
As challenging as it is to be in relationship with a conscious man like this, it is exactly what my soul was craving. 3 days after we met, I wrote in my journal …..
I feel safe and secure in his arms.
Feeling safe was not something that I was used to. Being born in Northern Ireland the year the Troubles started and growing up against a backdrop of fear and violence had a profound, unconscious impact on me (and the rest of the country). I can still feel layers of that energetic trauma melting now that I am living in the Dordogne. And then, like everyone else, there were parts of me which closed down during infancy and childhood as a result of faulty societal beliefs about what was needed for babies and children to feel thrive. As I grew up there were traumatic life events and even abusive behaviour in my relationships. And so on and so on…
Being in a conscious relationship with Eoin has allowed layers and layers and layers of frozen, fearful energy in my system to melt and be released. Every time I find myself caught in reactive behaviour, he holds me. Every time I find myself caught in fear, he holds me. Every time I find myself being less than loving towards myself, he holds me. He holds me. He holds me. And his steady, open-hearted, loving presence allows me to continue to soften and open and heal.
Within 3 days of knowing Eoin, his open heart had triggered an old fearful pattern in me and I wrote in my journal……
I now offer up these old patterns to the light and I ask that they and their roots are healed in this lifetime and in all lifetimes, in this world and in all worlds, in this Universe and in all Universes. I no longer need or want them. I am whole and complete and I now choose peace and happiness.
What a powerful prayer and one which has been answered over the last 3287 days together. Our joint commitment to growth (both individually and together), to honesty, to authenticity and to a deep respect for one another created a fertile ground in which we could both relax and grow. We stay together because we WANT to and that conscious choice to stay brings with it a conscious choice to treat each other with enormous respect.
I spent much of my previous relationships moaning and groaning about my partner to my girlfriends but I can honestly say that in 9 years I have never wanted to say a bad word about Eoin. They say that we mirror each other in our intimate relationships and that has certainly been my experience. The love, respect, appreciation and gentleness with which Eoin treats me makes it natural for me to treat him in that way too. We don’t take our shit out on each other. Instead we use the safe container of the relationship to help each other to look at the shit and heal it. We give each other space if that is what is needed. We hold each other if that is was is needed. We talk about EVERYTHING…..there is literally no subject out of bounds. Don’t get me wrong, Eoin can be very strong too. He doesn’t let me get away with treating him (or me) with anything less than we both deserve. He will call me on my crap if I get caught up in it. But he does so with an open heart and totally presence and, as he does so, my crap gets bored, gives up and disappears.
My ex told me 10 years ago that if I ever met this great ‘spiritual’ guy that I was looking for, I would get bored really quickly. He knew the Jenny that was addicted to drama and who spent much time abusing herself with her thoughts, her behaviours and her choices. That Jenny would never have been happy in a peaceful, safe relationship. Her ego thrived on the highs and lows of co-dependency and dysfunction. Hence, I guess, why he is my ex!
I remember Eoin telling me when we had just met that INTIMACY can be broken down to me IN TO ME YOU SEE. Our commitment to our tantric practice means that there is a LOT of looking into each other’s eyes and REALLY seeing each other. That level of intimacy requires a deep trust in the other person and it also brings with it a personal commitment to stay fully present for both the other and for yourself. And so, as I have learnt to stay more and more present for my lover, I have learnt to stay present for myself and to treat myself with love and gentleness. Eoin’s love has shone the light of awareness on all the parts of me that I believed were ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ and that I was ashamed of. His loving presence allowed me to reveal them to him and, as I did so, he did not judge them which meant that I began to drop the self-judgement too.
We have had so many adventures together over the last 9 years but actually the biggest adventures which we have shared have been the ones which no-one else ever witnesses. The journey into our own and each other’s hearts, the adventures in consciousness and co-creation, the constantly deepening physical connection, the moments of intense energy healing and the joy of watching the other as we learn to live more whole-heartedly and more fully …..this is why we were brought together.
These words are from an email which I wrote to Eoin 20 days after we first met…….
You talk about realising that you are the flow….and you are. I am also the flow. The image that keeps coming into my mind is of two power-full rivers meeting to create a ‘super river’… the energy of each river combining with the other to produce so much power and energy that the riverbanks can hardly contain it…..it is unstoppable and pretty over-whelming yet at the same time beautiful and full of incredible energy.
Last year,after a lot of reading and studying and experimentation, I started to really ‘get’ what powerful creators we all are and, as you know understanding, learning about and experiencing creation and manifestation are very much at the centre of my life at the moment….the knowing that we truly can create ANYTHING we want…just look at what you have written about relationships and what I have separately written about relationships…..coincidence that we have ‘created’ each other???? (I think not) ….Eoin, I don’t think either of us have even skimmed the surface of what could and will happen when we truly combine and work together as co-creators with united intentions and unconditional love……….it almost scares me but it excites me more ……
In my dreams, I have thought about a relationship such as the one that we appear to be creating but, in all honesty, I have never been ready for it before. I was holding on to too much old stuff but I have shifted through and cleared SO much over recent months that I AM READY!
I write this blog to celebrate our love today but also to give you, the reader, evidence that this type of relationship is possible. When men and women stop fighting and start treating each other with complete love and respect. When women feel safe enough to drop into their powerful feminine energy and when men can step into their heart-centred masculine energy. When we show up and are fully present for the person in front of us. Then the magic can happen.
Eoin Scolard, there are no words that I can write which will really express the depth of gratitude I have for your constant, loving presence in my life over the last 9 years but, then again, I know that you don’t need words from me……just feel it, my love.