How to Reclaim Your Agency When Life Wobbles

Whether you have chosen to make a change or you’re being pushed into one, it’s completely normal to go through periods where everything feels out of your control. The truth is that, as the pandemic reminded us, life is out of our control most of the time - but the ego mind loves the illusion of being on top of things. It gives us a sense of security that allows us to function in the world.

However, during transition, we’re asked to face our fear of uncertainty and to embrace the reality that however much we plan and strategise, shit can and will still happen.

When I experience what I call the wobbles during a period of change, I often feel overwhelmed, powerless, shaky and ungrounded. In these moments, one of the things that really helps to calm me is taking back my agency by reminding myself of what I do actually have control over. As I see it, this is:

1. what I think

2. what I do

3. what I consume

4. who I spend time with

This is one of the main reasons I’ve been meditating for more than 20 years, and why I’ve walked so many healing and therapeutic paths. Over time, I’ve come to know that underneath my crazy-making mind, there is always a deep well of peace if I choose to drop into it.

If you love swimming in the sea, you’ll know how still it becomes once you dip below the choppy surface waves. The same is true for us as humans. The deceptively simple act of focusing on your breath and returning to the present moment is one of the most effective, simplest and cheapest ways to re-source yourself in turbulent times.

And let’s face it, we don’t have any real control over the future anyway, so why not stay and enjoy the present as much as possible?

Having control over your actions and their consequences requires enough presence to pause and ask:

• What is needed now?

  AND/OR

• Please show me the right next step.

In this fast-paced world, the art of pausing is often overridden by reactive, fear-based behaviour. We only have to look at global politics to see this in action.

In Liz Gilbert’s magnificent book All the Way to the River, she offers a beautiful acronym for PAUSE:

Even when you think you know the next step, in my experience pausing and sleeping on it before taking action often brings deeper insight or reveals other solutions. And if you don’t know, you don’t know. That’s simply the truth of the moment. Just wait until clarity arrives.

The best thing you can DO while sitting with uncertainty is nothing other than to relax your central nervous system as much as possible, so I strongly recommend creating a toolbox of activities and practices that support that. Some of mine include all forms of yoga, breathwork, mantra, meditation, gardening, cooking, walking in nature, journalling, knitting, doodling, and spending time with calm, gentle people.

During transition, there is a strong invitation to pay attention to what you’re consuming and the impact it has on you. We all know what alcohol or state-altering substances do to our energy the next day. We also know how certain foods affect our gut, mood, clarity and vitality.

But what about what you consume with your eyes, ears and energy body? Is what you’re reading, watching and listening to supporting you? Or is it time to shift that diet to something more calming, inspiring or nourishing?

There’s no doubt that heavy metal music impacts the nervous system very differently compared with gentle classical music or sacred mantras like those from Deva Premal.

What choices are you making around what you consume as you move through change? How can you nourish yourself more substantially on all levels?

Identifying your support team is essential when you’re navigating change. You already know the naysayers, energy vampires and those who drain you. They are not your people right now.

Choose two or three solid, mature friends who can listen deeply, hold you up when needed, and also be lovingly honest with you when required. Those friends are gold.

You may also want to consider investing in professional support too. A good transition coach, therapist or healer can be a lifeline, and the investment is rarely one you regret.

And make sure your boundaries are solid. Give yourself as much space and time as possible to move through this season with grace. You can explore more on this in my blog and mini-workbook on boundaries here.

As I move through some big transitions myself this year, I keep coming back to the Serenity Prayer:

This simple prayer helps me re-centre, remember what is within my control, and release what isn’t. It often brings an immediate sense of calm or, at the very least, a peaceful acceptance.

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This month I have also launched my new Substack which will include writing and posts on this topic. Come along and follow me there to connect with other women going through life's transitions.